When the Muladhara Chakra workshop brings the unexpected
When the Muladhara Chakra workshop brings the unexpected…and you let it flow.
January 3, 2020, by Michelle Aalbers
I am stable. I am safe. I have what I need….and last night… I was surprised. I was vulnerable. I was relieved.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Whether or not last night’s workshop was going to happen was in flux. Something kept telling me to wait, and trust, and that it would happen. It did. What I didn’t know is that the class would be so profound for me as a student. At one point, Nicole asked us to write down areas of our life that are stable. Then, we were asked to write down areas of our life that are unstable. As I looked at my list I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I was also surprised at the emotions coming up for me. We were given the opportunity to share. I knew I would cry if I shared with the group. I also would have to share very personal bits of me. I paused, and I decided to share. I was processing my list and the emotions that went along with it as I was sharing my experience of this exercise.
My Stable List:
- The kids
- Passion for what I do and who I am
My Unstable List:
- Place to live
- Lungs/bronchial tubes
What used to be stable is now unstable. What used to be unstable is now stable. Because I have faith, because I trust, and because I have stability in my passion for what I do and who I am, I have more joy in my life. I have stability in my BEing. I accept that change is a necessary part of growth. I have a love for myself that I’ve never had before. I have boundaries that are healthy, real and accepting which have led to friendships that are healthy, real and accepting. It’s also led to losses. Painful and difficult losses. When you dig into self, things get challenging. Shift happens. When it does, things fall apart. What’s not working falls away. What is working gets amplified. It’s safe to say what is not working gets amplified, too.
I’ve gained a lot of tools over the last decade. Tools to help me find the pause, get clear, surrender and move forward with awareness, mindful choices, and love. When you focus your energy on discerning what is for your best Self, when you get honest with yourself, and when you open to surrender and simply trust…everything shifts. You have to crumble so you can rebuild.
The last decade for me was about pecking away the old thought patterns and unhealthy tendencies and figuring it out from there. My foundation was crumbling so I could rebuild a new, more authentic base. I dug in. It was time. I was ready. I was tired of resisting and avoiding the hard stuff. I was tired of letting the fear control me, tired of giving my power away.
There were things I had to face: it was time to heal from being molested and time to forgive. Things I had to accept: my marriage wasn’t working anymore. There was work to be done for my Self. Doing that work was transformational. It was messy. It was difficult. At times it was one step forward and two steps back. Over time healing became deeper, more powerful and caused profound shifts. Healing happened around the hurt, shame and even guilt that came along with being molested. I healed and then I had to try and figure out how to be when I wasn’t desperately trying to control the world around me just to feel safe. I had to figure out how to break down the walls I had put up around my heart to protect myself from the bad, from the fears. There were destructive thought patterns that needed to be destroyed. I had to be patient, accept, and surrender.
Healing is messy and beautiful. I have melted down, a puddle on the floor, more times than I care to admit in the last year. I am grateful for forgiveness. I am grateful that even with divorce on the horizon, we can love each other through it and I am grateful that we love each other enough to let each other go. There will always be work to be done for Self. I will continue to dig in and do the work. My lungs and this cough tell me that I am grieving. Emotions manifest in our bodies. I need to take care of myself and I need to allow the tears, the anger, the frustration, the grief and all the other emotions that come up, to be felt and released.
I am so grateful for the people in my life who can hold the space and allow me to feel without needing to “fix me”. I don’t need to be fixed. I need to feel. I need to process. I need to get quiet and make space for discernment. I’m grateful that the stable aspects of my life are the ones that bring joy. They are love for self. Without that, none of the things on that list can happen. I will figure out the rest of it. I am grounded. I am safe. I have everything I need. I am grateful.